Tuesday, July 20, 2010

If You Really Knew Me part 1

In honor of the new MTV show "If You Really Knew Me" I'd like to peel back the surface of myself and get a little real. Considering no one reads this blog, as of yet, I feel this probably won't get out to many people. That's just fine, I find it easier to speak to strangers, so speaking to no one should be even easier.

Let us begin this shindig...


If you really knew me you'd know that I'm sixteen, I have depression, I have anxiety, and I have panic attacks. Also I'm bisexual. If you knew me you wouldn't know these certain aspects of my life, well the last one maybe. I don't share my emotions, I've never talked to my parents about how I feel and when I have I've lied. I don't tell them about the times when I can't get out of bed, because I couldn't bear to get up and live that day. I don't tell them of how I may not have cut myself with a razor or knife, but that doesn't mean I never inflicted pain on myself. I've rammed my arms into walls and doors, hell I've purposely pissed off my cat just so it would scratch me. I'd put my hand over fires and stoves longer than necessary just to get a bit of pain from the burn. I bite my nails till there's nothing left and it hurts just to touch things, I chew the skin on my fingers till they bleed and I've gone through layers of skin.

I don't tell my parents that the reason I plan so far ahead, why I go to the guidance counselor months in advance to plan out every step of my highschool career, is because I need that stability. Because without it, I don't even see myself making it past highschool. I don't see myself living that long. When my parents say "when you grow old..." I'm thinking "I probably won't." That's not just the depression, it's the fear of growing up. I get physically sick when I think about the future, when I think about living like my parents, paying bills, going to work every day. In my mind that doesn't make sense. Routines don't make sense to me, how can you keep going if you know you're going to do the same thing every day for the rest of your life? I can't imagine living on my own, depending on myself, interacting with people who I haven't known my whole life. It scares me.

I have dreams of going to Europe and traveling the world but sadly I know the slim chance that it will actually become a reality. I'm lower middle class, my father works 2 jobs, has been unemployed for over a year and my mother doesn't make enough for us to survive if he did lose his jobs. I've been chosen for kids abroad programs and being so dissapointed that I wasn't able to go, camps that I wasn't able to attend, school trips I couldn't go on because we didn't have the money. I feel like I've missed out on so much, my potential is great but unfortunately in the real world, money counts.

During the school year, I have friends, there are people I say hi to and hold conversations with. Yet I can't bring myself to hang with them out of school. I'm afraid of rejection, the people I've chosen as my friends so far, haven't been the best choices, I've been in an abusive friendship, where I was bullied, hit, spit on, made to feel worthless. It lasted for 6 years. I haven't told my parents, they know the person I hung out with did some mean things to other people, but not to me. They don't know, that when we moved to a new town, I had no friends, I felt connected to no one. My parents were concerned about my sibling who was having a difficult time with moving as well, only theirs was visible. I always kept silent about what I was feeling. That may have been because of my family, my father never talked about his feelings, he projected his feelings with yelling, he wasn't always around. My mother though to most seems kind and understanding is difficult to deal with. I never go out, and since I never go out, I'm not invited anymore, my friends have stopped calling, I've lost contact and connections I've made. I know nothing about my bestfriend anymore. And it saddens me. It makes me feel like shit and when I tell my parents they reply that it's my fault, that I should stop whining and make an effort. They don't understand, but then again I don't even understand.

Being bisexual is difficult with my family as well. It's not who I am, I don't introduce myself as bi, that's not the first thing I think of when I think of me. Coming out was a difficult process for me. For years my mother had questioned me "are you gay?". I was in 7th grade and I remember her asking me these questions. For years she would ask me, and I would say no. Her pushing and prodding, it felt like she didn't give me enough time to come to terms with my own sexuality, my own self. When I finally did come out to her, she didn't believe me. I don't think parents understand how cruel they can be. I was exhausted, I was fed up. So I went to my best friend and came out to her, she accepted me and understood. When I told my mother that I had came out to my best friend she was upset because I didn't tell her first. I stood shocked and anger was just boiling up in me. The house was tense for the next couple months, hold that, the next year. No one talked about it and when we did it ended in yelling and tears. My father was less than helpful (he told me to my face, he didn't believe in it (as did mom) and that we thinks it's against god...so that was encouraging). Then came the big day, I myself had a less than perfect day ending in a detention. I had decided to go walk my friend home (a friend my mother had expressly told me she didn't want me to see or talk to) when my mother's angry face was glaring out the window of her car. So I got in and I didn't remember doing anything wrong that day so I asked her if she was upset. *Explosion* . She called me bitch and disrespectful and a brat among others, that I was rude last night and disrespectful (I had told her I was nominated to be the president of my G.S.A). She said I was getting to deep into this "homosexual thing". I was uncomfortable to be in the car with her because she was quite angry, not to mention my younger sibling was also in the car and "we" (my mother) had decided they didn't need to know. I told her calmly that I didn't want to talk about this right now with them in the car. That didn't go over so well. Well we finally got home, and I recieved in on both ends. Us three in the kitchen, me sitting them yelling. My father stood stock still just furious. The only words I can remember him saying was "You can't suck d*** and eat p****" My mother yelling at me what was wrong with me lately, my attitude, holed up in my room. I sat there, with my head down, crying and ripping pieces of paper not saying a word. My thoughts were scrambled I wasn't expecting this attack, I wasn't ready, so I thought hard about what I wanted to say. I told them, I hung out with those friends of mine because I don't feel like shit when I'm with them unlike at home, I spend my time holed up in my room, because it's so tense to be in the same room with you that I can't handle it. My attitude is because, I don't know...all I know is that I can't, get out of bed in the morning. This is the part where my father yelled "wtf does that mean!". My mother who also deals with depression took pity on me I guess and found my words. "You mean you can't find a reason to wake up in the morning".

I'm sorry, this is getting a bit difficult so I'm going to stop here for now. I be back to finish.

Monday, July 12, 2010


Let's get this thing started. Shall we.

It took me quite a while before I learned to understand the way television works. Not the actual television itself, the shows and such. How disappointed was I when I realized the shows I watched in Winter weren't on in the Summer. So my usually spent Monday nights watching House are now incomplete and empty. As we've come to realize my love for movies the same goes for television shows. In fact television works better for me in the long run, sure I can always watch a movie again, but it never changes, the ending stays the same, I'll soon see the film so many times that I'll even start memorizing lines and scenes. A show though, that is a continuous, ever growing, ever evolving, ever...(I've run out of words and I'm semi-sure that growing and evolving are synonyms). Take a show like House, a team of doctors, a hospital, sick people, sure sounds like every other doctor show out there (Greys Anatomy, ER, Scrubs) yet House serves as that comfortable balance between those two extremes, ER and Greys are too serious, Scrubs too comedic. Take into account the great British actor Hugh Laurie, and my personal favorite Robert Sean Leonard, a dash of the ever charming Lisa Edelstein and a zest of variety amongst the main characters team (who are ever changing) and I believe it makes for a great show, others might disagree.

So now that I've really nailed in the point that I have zilch to do on Monday nights, I have taken the opprotunity to expand my horizons. In shows and such, not life, I'm not going to go hang glider just because my show isn't on anymore. So as I mentioned in my last blog, I have acquired all the channels that Comcast has to offer. Max is all dirty, Starz is well nice but not my cup of tea, HBO been there seen it all, Showtime though was a little gem. "My One and Only" was a very nice film. Starz isn't so bad I did enjoy the StarzInside movie about character actors, extras, the title was something like Familiar Faces. I enjoyed it, because I always enjoyed the character actors in films, the extras, the leading mans best friend or brother, or the leading ladies mother or neighbor. Anywho.

I am also trying to finish watching The Kid with Charlie Chaplin. I am extremely infatuated with Charlie Chaplin, not quite sure if its just the character or the man himself. Well I just finished reading a book about him and I loved it. So I've been trying to get ahold of some of his films, there was a Silent Film festival called Slapsticon that I was dying to go to, but alas I was unable. So thankfully Youtube has come to my aid, as always. Amazon.com as well has helped me, I plan on spending a few bucks on Chaplin films.

You'll have to excuse my hopping from subject to subject. I'm in a bit of a negative mood. One can't be perky all the time my dear. Sometimes its a job just getting out of bed, but thats a whole other story.

I was talking about expanding my horizons, well that is true. I just tried to watch a Hitchcock film, Vertigo to be precise. Now I'm not going to be a negative nuisence and put down the film, there was nothing wrong with it. I found it interesting, compelling and yet, maybe it was just my mood, I couldn't seem to get the hype of a Hitchcock film. I mean I can understand why his films are so loved, they have that "cult classic" feel to them. Like they were made to be adored and loved. I assume like Quentin Tarantino films, one just has to have an appreciation for them, you have to really love them. I feel indifferent to both of these directors films, but I understand how people take such joy in them.

I have the sweet sound of music drifting from my laptop to my ears. What style of music is that, for songs like "If I didn't Care","Bye Bye Blackbird", "Bewitched" and "I Wanna be Loved by You". Sort of a 1920's vibe, I have no idea. But I enjoy those songs, in comparison to todays love songs, nothing really lives up to the romance of those old style songs. I mean really, how does Akons "Sexy Bitch" really meet the standards in telling a woman she is beautiful. Love songs today are just not what they used to be. Where are those songs about romance and love, endearment and all the heart and soul one can give to another. Of course, perhaps we put romance on a pedestool. There really can't be men like Mr.Darcy out there or women who ooze elegance. What do I know though, I have years ahead of me. Regardless, I grow tired of this and must retire for the night. Rightly so, it is past midnight. For movie goers I insist upon seeing The History Boys, it is a movie from a play but still all the same actors and such and a wonderful story. You know what play I would enjoy seeing, The Invention of Love.

Quick Fact About Me: My favorite Robert Frost poem is "Fire and Ice"

"This blog was written of my own volition"- C.S

Saturday, July 10, 2010


Okay let's get this started.

Well, I awoke this morning at an earlier time then usual. 10 am. Whoo. I was just laying there praying that it would rain for the day, thunder, lightening, the whole shebang. Why you may ask would I want that. Because there was a graduation party of an "acquaintance" that I truly did not want to partake in the frivolities with. Thankfully it did start to thunder and rain and all that jazz that makes weather oh so delicious. Anyway, my pre-morning panic attack was set on hold for then.

I have comcast. On Demand, all that. Well actually just HBO and Encore, but you know what I meant. So me being the movie fanatic that I am, spend alot of time watching movies, alot more then I should actually. My currant movie obsession (I go by actors/themes/genre/etc) is Val Kilmer. Coincidentally, there was a Val Kilmer marathon on The Saint, the one where he's like half-native american, Top Gun, Real Genius...you get the idea. Oh yeah I mentioned On Demand because I had just ordered one of his movies that is very difficult to find online, The Salton Sea. I have yet to finish it (I hate that, buying a movie, you should watch it beginning to end, not stop halfway through, you wouldn't do that in a theatre would you? no of course not it be stupid, so why is it acceptable at home. Because its your home and you hold the power, well yeah, but still its not how I enjoy my movie experience) because my family decided on buying all the glorious movie channels that comcast has to offer. So we now have Showtime, Max, Starz, so on and so forth. Which I'm quite content about, what with me being all about the movies. Though looking through the movie list on each channel, I found it rather lacking in choice. To be fair though, Showtime did have alot to offer in my not so publicized movies. So now I hate until everyone goes to bed so I may finish my movie in peace. That is another thing I despise, when people talk during a movie, especially at home, I mean I understand it is our home, it is not a theatre but still! Come on people! Is it necessary to answer your phone or have a discussion while a movie that I bought is playing on the television right in front of you? You are obvioulsy aware that there is a movie going on at the moment, do you not. So shush. Please. I guess I should make a list about all the things I hate about watching films with others and my idea of the movie going experience. Alright then. Here we go.

10 Things People Do during Movies that I hate:
1. Talking
2. Whispering (your mouth is still forming words people, I don't care if you are being quite)
3. Singing Along with the Soundtrack
4. CellPhones (they even tell you at the beginning, that's a huge hint)
5. Kicking the back of your seat
6. Putting your feet up (unless no one is in that seat or within a one seat radius)
7. Babies (leave them with the babysitter at home, where it's okay to cry annoyingly)
8. Throwing Popcorn at the screen (is it really necessary)
9. Narrarating (we understand what's going on, because we too are watching the same movie)
10. Tall people who sit in front of shorter people ("I'm sorry I have to move a building was just built in front of me")

That's about all I can think of on the spot. I'm certain there is more.

You know what I like...of course you don't, you don't know me. I like movies from the 80's and 90's. I like those highschool flicks about the kids and all, turning into vampires, and being fashionable in fuschia, lunch bunch, those kinds. I like how crappy the movie looks in comparison to the movies made now. What with CGI and all that jazzy jazz. Not that I don't appreciate what the 21st century has brought to film I just like the less computerized movies more. Now that I think about it though, Labyrinth was a great movie, was that computerized? I assume some of it may have been. I know the crystal juggling was real, and the Ludo costume had a person in it but maybe it was like half computerized??? David Bowie was fantastic in that. Anyway.

Thanks to the internet the youth of today are able to get their hands on those kinds of movies, the ones that aren't shown on tv or are on On Demand. Should I say just On Demand or on On Demand. It seems redundant to say on On Demand...anyway. I mean I just saw the movie L.I.E starring Paul Dano and Brian Cox, great movie! I find my movies, by that whole six degrees of separation thing, I see one movie, I enjoy an actors performance so I shall research them. Example: The Quiet-Camilla Belle->Ballad of Jack and Rose-Paul Dano-> The Emperors Club-Emile Hirsch->Lords of Dogtown-Heath Ledger->Casanova-Jeremy Irons.

Well you know how that chain continues.

I actually wish my small town had a movie store, not a blockbuster, but an actual you know, movie store. Where every movie is there, old, new, indi, horror, foreign, whatever. Foreign, what ever happened to that "i" before "e" except after "c" rule. Who the hell comes up with this shit, because obviously it isn't true. I dislike the education system so much. I think I may be exaggerating though, I think I just dislike how much faith kids put into it. I have a sister who is in elementary school and she brought home a book entitled "The Marvelous Adventure of...I forget a bunny or something" the important thing is the Marvelous part. So she comes home and tells me that she and her class just got done reading the...pay attention "Miraculous Adventure of whatchamacallit" I tell her it is wrong, that it is Marvelous. You know what she said "NO it's Miraculous, that's what my teacher said". She's eight people, do you understand how hard it is to sway an eight year old from her opinion regardless of obvious proof. I proceded to show her the cover of the book with the words Marvelous and yet she stuck to her statement that what her teacher said was right. I was forced to tell her that sometimes her teachers were wrong. Our mother didn't take to kindly to that, she told my sister that sometimes people make mistakes and that you can't always believe what you hear. Bullshit. Well not entirely. I was of the strong opinion that my sisters teacher should probably know what her course material is before she reads it and that my sister needs a serious dose of reality if she believes in her teacher more than her eyes. Imagine a month later when she was learning math and I had to tell her that the book was wrong. That took about an hour. That and the one time she put 6 times 8 into a calculator and somehow got 500. That lasted an entire day, and she still didn't believe me.

Rant over.

It is now 10:05, and I feel as though that is a proper time for me to retire for the night.

Quick Fact About Me: I own the complete series of "A bit of Fry and Laurie", "Firefly", and "Jeeves and Wooster"

"This blog was written of my own volition"- C.S

Thursday, July 8, 2010


First Blog. Ever. Let's see if I can get this right. You can call me Charlie Simon, or just Charlie, or just Simon, doesn't matter. What is your name? Nice name. Now that introductions are out of the way lets begin.

I woke up at 1 today, I mean I actually awoke to the morning rays shining in my sleep encrusted eyes at around 10. I never actually get out of bed until 1, 12 if I'm lucky. It is the summer though so I suppose you could decide that I have no where to be and therefore it doesn't matter at what time I awake. Yeah, I guess you'd be right there, the fact that my life is void of plans does give me more room to sleep. Though there is that groggy guilty feeling one gets when you awake at noon and have yet to do anything with that new day. Sort of like I've already wasted half a day and I haven't even woken up yet. It sucks. The world was beautiful today, from what I could see from my window. At the end of the day, being all retrospective, I feel even more guilty than in the beginning of the day when I come to the realization that I had no idea what the weather was that day because I did not even step outside today. I always feel like shit when I waste a day, but then again what exactly was I going to do that day anyway. Nothing that's what.

Don't think I'm some lonesome emotionally crippled person with no social life, I have friends quite an abundance actually if I do say so myself. It just seems that I never want to hang out with them when they want to hang out with me, and vice versa. I am a one-on-one kind of person. Group activities are both extremely uncomfortable and anxiety increasing. I mean having one person to hold a conversation with is laboring enough, but 5 or 6. That's asking a bit much isn't it? Anyway, most of my friends are partying and drinking and doing drugs. Not that I haven't thought about doing that stuff but, 1. Partying (read the part about group activities and you'll understand why parties are the same) 2. Drinking...what the hell lets put Drugs in there as well. Besides the fact that alot of people in my family drink (I wouldn't call them alcoholics...okay I would but not to their face) it also tastes really really bad. I can not even comprehend how in the world people can drink beer, or wine. Revolting. Now those appletinis and shit are actually quite delicious. I'll give the alcohol companies that one. Drugs I've never tried, no cigarettes, joints, reefers (blah blah blah) <--(I realize "joints" and "reefers" are silly but whatever I like the sillyness of it). Sure I know at least one of my parents have done drugs as a teen, and my friends are definately into drugs. From what I can see, my parent has led a fairly good life, I mean sure they work 2 jobs and are lower middle class and live paycheck to paycheck but they aren't as screwed up as they could be. My friends on the other hand are kind of messed up. They act like the younger version of the Jackass crew, which was all funny and good when we were younger but now, its just slightley pathetic. Most of them aren't even reaching for college, some are pregnant, others are too high to care. Don't get me wrong though, some of my friends aren't in that extreme, some are fine, but they don't really help my cause in my decision of not doing drugs.

I feel as though I've gone on a bit of a rant about drugs and alcohol. What was I trying to say in the beginning? Oh, about me not being social right? So I hope you got my point, if you did would you kindly tell my mother this is the reason why I stay at home and don't hang with my friends 24/7. Spectacular.

Quick Fact About Me: I enjoy Poetry.

"This blog was written of my own Volition"-C.S